If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”