Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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Seems legit
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.