the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy