4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.