me after eating Cheetos
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.