kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m listening
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Mmmm canned fish.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater