I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
goldfish mafia
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.