Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
You Might Also Like
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]