1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Worth remembering.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face