me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
This is what makes twitter great
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
This dude got his own movie?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
a fate I wish upon no one