Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
cause of death:
autopsy.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*