[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.