I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
peep davidson
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.