Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You Might Also Like
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.