I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo