I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
british sex workers really pound for pound
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.