Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*