Life hack
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I just tested negative for patience.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.