I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
fourth time’s the charm
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”