me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.