Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*praying for world peace*
God: