Getting married soon just need a spouse
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them