It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.