Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
hmm conte-me mais
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.