8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Can’t, holding a grudge
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse