The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
You Might Also Like
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Oh the world we live in…
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?