[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*