You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
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At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES