healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not