Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes