dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.