4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
This guy gets it.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.