“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.