My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
WTF IS THAT!
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.