Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.