“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.