WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
You Might Also Like
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check