COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Breaking news:
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.