Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You Might Also Like
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
can’t believe I got front row seats
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT