Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
tourist season
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.