me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Guys, I found it.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough