Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…