It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo