Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males