I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
BaD BoY!!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.