And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…