[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs