There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!