no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
scared to check what name she chose
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.