Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I feel seen.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop